A little change of pace

I've have been voraciously reading the amazing Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh of late. (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ - check it out, it's extremely funny) That and my recent trip to the Dreams Come True exhibit at ACMI has inspired me to create this, my first (and depending on how well it goes, perhaps only) 'Crudely-Drawn Mythological Creature of the Week' post. The drawing thing I will avow here and now is something that I have borrowed from Awesome Allie, but I've tried to use it my own way. Besides, Allie is more than capable of drawing very, very well. I am not. I can, if I really try and go very slowly, draw certain things semi-decently - specifically, maps and my female protagonists. Otherwise I'm pretty much a black hole when it comes to drawing talent.


As you can see, Creature of the Week is the oh-so-mighty dragon.
Now, there are plenty of incarnations of dragons throughout fantasy and mythology in general. A lot of the older legends in the UK centre around there being great British dragons, such as the red one on the Welsh flag. Their dormant bodies, lying in wait for when Britain once more needs them, are said to form various mountain ranges throughout the UK.


As a symbol, the dragon is enormously versatile - it can range from vicious beast all the way through to cultured higher being, and sometimes writers will portray many of these aspects in a single dragon. A lot of mythological creatures have this multiplicity of viewpoints, but as it is somewhat of the grand daddy of all mythological beasts, the variance is greatest here.

Obviously Smaug of Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' is quite a well-known one, and an example of your bargain-basement dragon - i.e. sleeps on gold in a cave, breathes fire, weak underbelly. In this form (which like so many fantasy tropes, became prevalent because Tolkien did it) the dragon is essentially the embodiment of greed. And fire. Always, always fire.


Other famous renditions are Saphira in Paolini's Inheritance novels (that's more for kids/young adults, though) and Segoy/Kalessin in Le Guin's Tehanu and all the Earthsea novels that follow after that. The former is a rather well-realised representation of the dragon-as-human - the beast is essentially human internally. S/he acts with humanity always and is a sympathetic creature. Kalessin is also a dragon-as-human, but differs very sharply, partly out of the much greater talent of his/her (it's never quite clear) creator, Le Guin, and partly because the aim was different - to use the dragon as a symbol of knowledge, which is probably the next most common rendition of fire-lizards after greedy gold-hoarder.

Anyway, this is the most important part - how to kill/not be killed by a dragon.


How to Kill:


- If you are facing a standard gold-loving reptile, then that weak underbelly should be foremost in your mind. Otherwise it's just armoured scales, claws, more armoured scales, fire out one end, and only god knows what out the other.

You will need a sword, but no armour, because a dragon is at the very least 10 times bigger than you, and it is better to be able to run away partially burnt, then all burnt and dead because you can't run in chainmail.


A bow may work, so too a javelin. Basically anything pointy that you can throw from a safe distance. To my knowledge, no-one has ever used a gun on a dragon. I don't advise you to try.


- If you are facing the superintelligent breed of dragon, your method is largely the same - stay back, be ready to throw your sharp object when you get an opportunity. The very important difference is that you will have far less opportunity with a smart dragon. In fact, your life hinges on your being smarter than the dragon. Not many people are, so if you have a smart dragon (they tend to use riddles and be quite charming...until they eat you) on your hands, please refer to the next section.


How Not to Be Killed:


- In the case of the angry, bestial and not very intelligent dragon, do not enter the cave/lair. You can spot one from the outside by checking the ground for a trail of gold coins of various shapes and sizes, some with bite marks. This is a bit hard to miss, so if you manage to accidentally walk into the cave, then the gene pool's probably better off without you.


But if you beg to differ, leaving before they notice you is a good strategy. If you also fail at this (the piles of gold on the floor do make it difficult to be stealthy), run like hell, and don't look back if you value the skin on your face. A dragon will breathe fire on trespassers as quickly as a redneck reaches for a shotgun. I repeat, RUN.


- As for our genius dragon, if they notice you in their lair (or nest/eyrie - the smart ones often like a high-up dwelling of some kind), you're probably screwed. They may toy with you for a while, but if they want to eat you, they will eat you. They've already figured out all the ways you could escape and formulated plans for each eventuality.


If you are extremely, unbelievably lucky (and probably you're not, 'cause lucky people don't end up in the nests of smart dragons), then you might manage to foil one of these counter-escape plans. If this happens, then again, RUN.


But because they are very intelligent, they will know your fear of mortality and will often take great joy in making you think you have a chance. If a way to escape seems obvious or unnoticed, don't take it. S/he will engage you in conversation, either to mesmerise you (smart dragons are quite skilled at this) or simply to give you a sporting chance. If you succeed in proving you are intelligent enough to live, then maybe, maybe you will be allowed to leave.

But as with many things in life, prevention is better than cure, so don't go looking for an intelligent dragon, or any dragon at all.


In closing:

Dragons are cool in a figurative sense, and fiery in a literal sense. If you see one, ascertain which kind of dragon it is. If it snarls and little else, it's a standard dragon. RUN. If it speaks with better diction than you, despite the rows of teeth and the smoke curling forth, politely answer all questions as intelligently as possible, cross your fingers, and if s/he gives you permission, RUN.


Tune in next week for another Crudely-Drawn Mythological Creature!

Oh, come on!

Every time I get angry about something more important than just "damn you, person in the car in front, the speed limit is eighty. EIGHTY!" I come here and write a blog. And very often, it seems to me that I get angry about (A) The Federal Government or (B) Self-esteem (particularly women's) and how the world tries to make sure you don't have any. Today's post is about B. Again. Sorry about that, but this is really pretty disturbing and enraging.

"[Katie] Price is often viewed a collective ideal of genuine modern femininity to a widespread audience: particularly to females. Her continual struggle with the British media against her personal life and 'rags to riches' story has turned her into an inspirational role model."

That is an excerpt from the Wikipedia entry for Katie Price (or Jordan), ex-wife of Peter Andre, 'glamour model' (read: near-naked most of the time and possibly outsizes Pam Anderson in the implant stakes), and the skankiest skank who ever did skank. You can see the result of a Google Images search for her below.

http://www.google.com.au/images?q=katie+price&hl=en&rlz=1T4DAAU_en-GB___AU307&prmd=ivnsuo&source=lnms&tbs=isch:1&ei=n7AiTfz7LIGKvQPnr6WNDg&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&ved=0CBIQ_AU

Sexually appealing (if you're into girls and like them uber-fake), maybe. A role model? No.

NO

She is no more an 'ideal of modern femininity' than a cactus. Or a rock. I mean, holy hell, we are talking about someone who no joke put make-up and false eyelashes on her two-year-old daughter and then posted a picture on the internet. Katie Price is a shell made out of sex and tits, essentially a living sex-doll. That she is an image of the very worst example of modern femininity there is no denying. She is an epitome of the 'I am woman, watch me wear very little and have sex with as many men as possible' mentality. Very little clothing, even less self-respect.

To be clear, I absolutely believe that it is Katie Price's right to live her life in this fashion, just as it is for anyone who chooses such an utterly barren path through life. But don't tell me that she is ideal. Don't tell me that this total lack of any merit or virtue or anything that could remotely be called a good quality or be at least indicative of an acquaintance with reality is what the modern woman is or should aspire to.

So who should be a role model for modern women? Who is ideal? Well, to be honest, the best case scenario would be that women be strong enough not to need to rely on other women to make them feel confident in themselves. But I have to admit Kate Winslet and Helena Bonham Carter are both excellent examples of what femininity (and indeed humanity) should be about - self-belief and self-expression that pays no heed to the heckles of the crowd.

Helena Bonham Carter (Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter, Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland amongst others) is utterly herself, without hesitation or apology. Nearly every time she attends a film premiere, she gets attacked by the 'fashion commentators' for dressing in way that could be fairly described as bonkers. But damn it if she doesn't always, always look bloody awesome anyway. Why? Because she doesn't give a crap what those idiots think, she's comfortable in the body she was born with, and the clothes she chooses to wear. She is completely happy to be herself - a rare thing in a person of any sex, let alone an actress.

Kate Winslet is, like me, a woman who is made angry by the promotion of insecurity. From her Wikipedia entry:

"Winslet has been outspoken about her refusal to allow Hollywood to dictate her weight. [...] She ha[s] always expressed the opinion that women should be encouraged to accept their appearance with pride, and therefore 'was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regimen, and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise.'"

Now, if you did a Google Images search on either of these women, you would most definitely find photos of them posed provocatively, or with very little on, or nothing at all. Doing these things doesn't automatically make you into another Katie Price, no matter how much I might rant about her, her image and her lifestyle. (And I repeat - it is her life, she can do what she wants) But there is a rather large difference between dressing/being photographed in a manner that embraces one's femininity and sexuality, and dressing/being photographed in a manner that is, let's face it, largely for the masturbatory fantasies of boys, teenaged or otherwise. The former is about self-expression, about confidence in one's body and person. The latter is an marketing tool at best, a heinously void, self-perpetuating lie at worst.

I don't know exactly where to end with this - I came into this angry that anyone, anyone at all, could even begin to consider Katie Price as a positive reflection of femininity. Because (to hammer the point home one more time) she is everything that is negative in modern constructions of woman. (SIGHS) I am aware of how lucky I am to feel comfortable with myself and my body. I am aware that is excruciatingly difficult for some women to even look in the mirror, so deeply mired are they in self-loathing. I just wish that more people would find a way (to paraphrase Kate Winslet) to accept themselves for who they are, to be proud to be who they are. The fact that there are so many people out there who would look to someone like Katie Price as a role model is more depressing than anything else, because it means that in the battle between positive and negative views of the modern self (for both men and women, I should add),
negativity is winning. Quite overwhelmingly. It's hard to be anything but sad about that.